Dear M

Dear M,

There was a time when I loved you so much. All I wanted was to be with you. And all I hoped for was to hear you say you love me too.

There was a time when the only thing I'd listen to is the song "Beautiful In My Eyes," because you once told me that "I'm your peace of mind in this crazy world." That was the most beautiful compliment anyone has given me. 

There was a time when I thought I could wait for you to get tired of playing around. I waited for you to see that my warm embrace is enough, that we could be content holding hands, that we could be happy together.

But then, there came the time when I finally grew tired of the waiting, of the hoping, of praying. 

I realized I was only fooling myself that you would learn to love me in return. I realized I was only hurting myself for believing that there would be an "us" together. I wrote you a letter, "Para Kay M." It was more than just goodbye. It was my gift to myself - the gift of freedom to love myself again, to let go of all the pain, and to open my heart to happiness.

So, years passed by, and we both lived our separate lives. I tried to forget you, to get you out my life. Yet, you remained. Somehow, we managed to become friends. And we were better that way. I accepted you without bitterness, without any grudge. I was already in a happy place. 

Then, one day, you suddenly asked me questions like "natatakot ka bang maging tayo?" or "have I ruined all my chances?" 

I know I seemed rude with the responses I gave you. I'm sure you've noticed I'm keeping my distance lately. But can you blame me? Is it wrong for me to choose to protect my heart from the confusion and false hopes.

This morning, you emailed me a song. You said you're dedicating it to me. It was a really beautiful song. But I erased it as soon as I listened to it. Can't you see? This is how it started in the past! This is how you made me fall for you before. The cycle is only repeating. And we both know how the last one ended - with me broken hearted and left hanging. I don't want that to happen again.

I'm writing you this letter to say thank you. Because of you, I've learned to be strong, not to be carried away so easily, not to get lost in love. 

Because of you, I realized that I deserve so much more, that I'm worthy to be loved and not beg for it.

I learned so much in the years that passed since you first broke my heart. It made me a stronger, better person.

Maybe, this time, I need to break your heart too for you to be stronger and better too.

xoxo